It has come to a head my friend. We have presented our case. We have drawn a line in the sand. There is no ambiguity and no room for fence sitting. Your choices are as crisp as light vs. dark, America vs. tyranny, hope.. vs. kickball. Do YOUR veins pulse with the molten steel of justice? Will your nerves quench your fears as those of John Paul Jones when the Monochromes call in the jackboots?.. And just how do you define sacrafice?

Due to the overwhelming response to our recruitment efforts, we have created the form below to allow you to answer such personal inquiries while streamlining our crusade. Answer truthfully and should your values aim straight as a laser scope at the rank crab-infested balls of kickball, you may be contacted to conduct a series of trials to further measure your worth.

  1. Before my time as an apprentice revolutionary, I was raised by .
  2. My surges like the flesh of Odin.
  3. If kickball players were splayed prostrate before me, I would while I the Red Button.
  4. I am personally banned from bar(s) / coffee shop(s) /public venue(s) in Washington DC.
  5. I have suffered the judgment of plasticine, kickball-like attitudes to the tune of in jail.
  6. During raids into the very lions den of the Damned, my music device plays .
  7. My malice for kickball is best described as
  8. But honestly, I know you guys are just


    You have 200 characters.

    Your Email Address:



    9. --SUBMISSIONS--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The most righteous application statements thus far:


    "The kick ball scourge is raising its ugly head north of the 49th parralel. IT MUST BE STOPPED!!! Allow me to be your Canadian Cell Commander in the just and righteous battle!"

    "i'll kick Scott's balls and puke on Jen's sweaters."

    "I work with two kickballers. They make my life hell 365 days a year. I want some fucking blood, and I wanna drink it from a skull."

    "At long last my hatred for the red rubber ball has a home."

    "Deathtoyuppiescumbag-yoursisterisacarnieandworksthecocksuckingboothatthecountyfair-kickballinglosers!"

    "let me join your fight against these pathetic excuses for carbon matter and their perverse social norms. they have cast a dark light on this city of angels."

    "...and I thought I was alone in my hatred for these fun-loving, sociable frat and sorority hell-spawned bastards. Death to Mikasa!"

    "These fucks have ruined this town and the bars within it."

    "My blistering rage will not allow me to write trite quips. Seething with venom for yuppies is a full time job."

    "Live on the Hill, LIVE, not stay. Have a real blue collar job. Kickball is for people whose parents still pay for everything, everyone else is too busy living a real life."

    "Here's a great idea. Let's get 200 friendless people who went to middle-tier schools, sans social skills, get them drunk as shit, and watch them make out. Good times!"

    "My dog + ice cream = ammo. Lets get these tools!"

    "Enough of these fucking mouth breathers. The whole neighborhood smells like sour milk, axe body spray, and fear for hours after they go back to NOVA to have awkward pathetic sex with each other."

    "Crusaders against banal conformity, accept my service! This plague of idiots must know the stink of a shit bomb; they WILL learn that the ball they enslave exists to smite them in a dodgeball frenzy!"

    "I want my f*cking city back! I'm sick of poorly socialized, whiny, pathetic beer-swilling preppies who are too insecure to go to a bar and make friends of their own crowding into every bar in DC."

    "I pledge to be the eyes and ears of Hyattsville, and to speak out with disdain for yuppie kickball everywhere!"

    "The more there [is yuppie kickballers] the more repressive action will take place, and the more we face the danger of a right-wing takeover and eventually a fascist society. Obvs."

    "I once saw a fat girl in a WAKA shirt sitting on the curb in front of Adams Mill crying. I pointed and laughed. I want to make them all cry."

    "At A U St. House Party: Douchey Guy w/ Cold Sore: I had a wicked kickball game this weekend. Me: Oh. DGWCS: You should join. Me: Will it give me mouth herpes? DGWCS: It's a kickball battle wound."

    "All I hear about is "Kickball, kickball, kickball." Fuck that. I'm ready to assist in the liberation of the District from the grip of this propaganda known as "Kickball"."

    "Once was lost, now am found. Thank You. What kind of utter-fuckwads have a Supreme Court case about kickball? It was decided the same day as Lawrence v. Texas and was gayer than the pro-sodomy case."

    "Viva, camrades! Viva! Awuleth'umshini wami! Umshini wami! (Bring me my machine gun!)"

    "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil."

    "Potentially just as bad: bocce players. I have trained my otherwise friendly dog to attack tools in brightly colored t-shirts with Blackberries. Save New Columbia! Nothing short of total war!"

    "Kickballers are all kids who had to spend the fraternity/soroity dues somewhere so now they pay for friends based on the the primary color scale."

    "as an intern (that goes to school in dc) i was forced to join a team by my boss. It made me want to murder everyone/get beligerantly drunk and pour beer on people."

    "I'll be up-front: earlier this summer, I joined a kickball team. Kickball!, I thought. Fun! Whimsy! Childhood! WRONG: Assholes! 'Brahs'! Interns on the 'Hill'! YUPPIE KICKBALL MUST DIE!!!"

    "The workplace is now a place of non-unions and white breed people asking if the neighborhood you live in is safe (i.e how many black people live in your neighborhood). Raise The Red flag of Revolution"

    "Capture the fucking flag can kick your ball any fucking day. Steal their fucking flags and raise the black flag high...we can take back our streets and tear down their bars and FREE DC''

    "Like a malignant cancer devouring all that is right and just, this pestilence has been allowed to thrive off the never-ending stream of Clarendonites for far too long. Let me be your Porter Rockwell."

    "suffered through a (way too long) short doc on waka this weekend at the shorts festival... i hope you kicks their asses all the way back to the STD-triangle"

    "Why do I need to pay $65 for a t-shirt? Why is prancing around like a hyperactive toddler a prerequisite for flip cup? To ruin and the world's ending!"

    "amsterdam falafel is the only respite in the douchebag sinkhole of adam's morgan, when kickball lets out, and the frats and the fat-girls-hoping-to-fuck-them come in, it's like hungry hippo feedn time"

    "I moved to DC from LA and I can't believe the douchebag explosion that happened as soon as the weather warmed up. Fuck this shit."

    "Walking into a bar with a WAKA shirt is not a fucking badge of honor, it's a badge worth $60! I was once infected by these swine, but now I see the light of day. Let me be your hammer o' justice."

    "We want to start the NYC chapter as we are deep cover agents in the Brooklyn Kickball leauge. We are the *********** and we are feared."

    "Kill them all."

    "I thought I was the only one in Adams Morgan disgusted by the kick-ball, bridge & tunnel people. Sign me up, since I don't have a car, I'll pay the homeless person to annoy them."

    "The insurgency supports your guerilla war on kickballers as many of our insurgents have been forced from local bars by hordes of these swine. Sorry they got picked last in PE, but when does it end?"

    "simply can't take anymore wack ass WAKA or DC Kickball. at first i thought it was funny, but now i realize they -like the corporate industries they mirror- need to grow or die. i for one choose die."

    "Live in Adams Morgan and hate those kickball dorks who are trying to rub their pathetic bodies on each other while drinking Miller Light or some other frat beer. Go Home Losers!"

    "I HATE THESE FUCKIN KICKBALL BITCHES WITH A PASSION!!!!"

    "in dc kickball now. sick of whiny whorish bitches in league. want to be mole. they will never expect me - well respected and have 2 blackberries."

    "I hate them so much. I hate them SO much. Sometimes I play team baseball and then I hate MYSELF because it's too much like them, Also, no jail time = clean record."

    "I am ready to do whatever it takes to crush the true Red Menace threat to our nations's captial and the Republic for which I stand."

    "I left that shit hole city because of god damned fucking kickball and lame various other lame fucks. I get back a few times a month and would fucking love to ride shod over some fucktards."

    "Sic Sempre Yuppies!!!"

    "I never knew DC yuppies had it so bad. Consider the use of paintball guns to mark their evil kickball"

    "Please help....they want to form a kickball league at work!! IT has got to be STOPPED!!?"

    "I beg you to spread this glorious plague of justice to Baltimore, it's just as bad."

    "Let's get a fucking lawn chipper and stuff the fuckers head first into it and watch 'em splatter. That's what Jesus wants!"

    "Let me say I have nothing against kickball. But organized pay-to-play yuppie kickball must die die die. Have you been reading my mind?"

    "In this crusade you have encapsulated all of the gooey molten indescribable hatred that has been boiling beneath my pale flesh since I moved back to this city and experienced the kickball invasion."

    "Carry on, soldiers, carry on. You heft the burdens of our great society on your shoulders for the good of man and womankind. God speed."